WELCOME

Toxic Confessions chronicles one man's personal experience with Parental Alienation Syndrome and the accompanying psychopathic and narcissistic personalities that were thrust upon him during that journey.

What does PAS sound like? What does it look like? Can it be predicted? Instead of telling the story second-hand, this site uses actual e-mail, text and voice mail messages sent to me from the alienating parent and others, unedited and uncut. When these statements are paired with clinical criteria from various experts on the subject, it gives the reader the unique opportunity to see real-life examples of PAS first-hand.

It is hoped that the mental health professionals, legal professionals, students and others studying these pages will create more discussion about how to recognize, reverse and prevent Parental Alienation Syndrome when it rears its ugly head. Knowledge of PAS will help families break free of it.

It is also hoped that within these pages, the truth will be set free. Helping families recognize pathology is the first step toward healing.

And finally, it is hoped that when she reads these words, my daughter will start to understand the truth behind what happened to her, and she will seek counseling with a therapist that has experience with PAS so that she can begin to truly heal.

A NOTE ABOUT NAMES & PLACES

It is important to note that names and locations within the dialogue presented here have been changed as a courtesy to the children, who are also victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome. However, the words that were said during these dialogues were not changed in any way. (Obviously, once they see their words here, those involved will know who they are. But that doesn't mean we have to make it easy for the whole world to know who they are. If you have a problem with this, I'm sorry - I'm not going to change this policy.)

All of the e-mail, text messages and voice mail was either sent to me or written by me. The photos, Facebook and Twitter messages were in the public domain at the time they were captured.

Everyone involved in this case is now over 18 years of age, but they must be allowed to come to their own conclusions. This always takes time. Changing names and locations will give them that time and protect them from embarrassment as much as I can. Thank you for your understanding.
- John

CONTACT US

Send e-mail to: Contact@toxicconfessions.com

THOUGHTS FROM A STEPMOM

"Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent, represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child." - The Honourable Judge Gomery

Stepparents play an important role in the lives of all the children in their care, whether they are living in the same house or only present on a visitation schedule as set by the court. It is admittedly a tough spot to be in and staying positive in the midst of all kinds of criticism can be hard.

But the most difficult thing I have had to do over the last half-decade is stand by, helpless to prevent the destruction of my husband's relationship with his daughter by his vengeful ex-wife. There was nothing I could do except support my husband with love, patience and understanding.

The drama which he was forced to endure spilled over into other areas of his life, which included our life. Dealing with the toxicity of PAS kept him in a high-stress state, the symptoms of which include anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, and outbursts of anger.

As far too many of you know, none of this is easy to live with, even if you have the patience of a saint.

But the worst part of all of this was the constant focus on her, the toxic ex, which is exactly what she intended. Three or four days before each potential visit, she would trigger tension with little insidious calls and text messages intentionally designed to upset everyone in the house and make the visits difficult and stressful. She would tell my husband that his teenage daughter suffered from panic attacks at the mere thought of spending time away from her mother. Or, if his daughter was permitted to visit at all, she would demand that DD be given a special diet, or say DD was forbidden to speak to other members of our household, or claim that she heard we were planning something that wasn't on her "approved activities" list and forbid DD's participation in family events. This toxic woman would demand that during her visit, my husband's daughter be driven to any number of activities 30 miles across town that were deliberately planned by her mother to keep daughter occupied, preventing her (and inadvertantly, my husband) from spending any time with our family. She would tell my husband that his daughter was angry with him and didn't want to visit, but wouldn't tell him why (it was usually a lie). Then, she would turn around and tell my step-daughter that my husband didn't want her to visit (always a lie).

All of these outrageous claims were designed to keep the focus on the toxic ex and away from what should really be happening: Parenting time for my husband with his daughter in his own home.

Dealing with the confusion and drama by trying to figure out just the right way to respond to get his ex-wife off our backs was a full-time job in itself. As you can imagine, these week-long arguments with her were a repetitive time-sucking nightmare for both of us. We lost a lot of sleep over it.

On the rare occasion that a weekend visit actually occurred (there were less than fifteen overnight visits in five years), she would constantly bombard both my husband and his daughter with "check up" calls designed to stress my stepdaughter to the point of exasperation. For example, Toxic Mother would call my husband to complain that a family activity that was happening at her house was ruined because her daughter was wasting time at her father's house, then demand that he bring her home. If he agreed, she wins and we spend another weekend without DD. If he refused, his ex would delight in telling DD about the fun she was missing because her father was mean and didn't love her. Toxic Mother would call or text my stepdaughter almost hourly and bombard her with questions like, "Are you safe? They're not mistreating you, are they?" By the end of the weekend, the stress had taken its toll, no one had any fun, and it would take days for everyone to recover from the whole exhausting experience.

I felt my role as a stepmother and as a wife was to help my husband cope with what was happening to him. I became his sounding board, offered advice, helped him recognize what was really happening, and tried to help him get his thoughts and responses onto paper in a tone that could be understood by anyone. I kept track of the letters and e-mail and other communications that came from his ex-wife so that when we finally did see an attorney, we could present them as evidence. Together, we researched PAS and other disorders to help make sense of what was happening to him. Above all, I stood by him, even when it got ugly, even when I was falsely accused of abuse, and even when it cost thousands of dollars in attorney fees to get this case to court. I refused to let this woman destroy our relationship the same way she had destroyed so many other families in the past.

I love my stepdaughter and I don't blame her for what has happened. It's true that she has said some hateful things about me to my face and behind my back. It's true that she has told lies to everyone, her mother included, about what went on under my roof when she came to visit. I won't say that none of it has hurt me, because it does hurt. I've had my share of frustration and tears over the years.

But my husband and I (and those who know us and know this situation) understand that it's all because of this horrible illness called Parental Alienation Syndrome, and the aftermath of the narcissistic teachings of her toxic, mentally ill mother. Right now she's a young adult who has been brainwashed by her mother. Most of what comes out of her mouth was very carefully placed there by an adult who knew exactly what she was doing. DD is just as much a victim of this as the rest of us. She doesn't know it yet, but I grieve with her for her loss. It's so sad that DD didn't get to experience the joy of her father's abundant love, which has always run so deep. It's so sad that my husband didn't get to experience the joy of raising a teenage daughter. She can't become a teen again and start over. That lost time is gone forever, as real a loss as a death, and it is sad and tragic.

We've been contacted by multiple families that have suffered a similar fate with support and their personal stories of success and frustration. All of them have touched our hearts. They give us comfort that at least we are not alone in this. Our friends have assured us that some day, when she is far removed from this situation and becomes an adult, my husband's daughter will understand that what happened to her was real. They tell us that some day she will understand that what happened to her is not her fault, and she will reach out to my husband and try to repair the damage. We cling to this hope because frankly, it's all we have left to us.

I do know for certain that the day will come when DD will wake up and realize that the only person in her life who did not want her to have a relationship with her father was her mother. She spent thousands and thousands of dollars, lying through her teeth even in court in order to make good her threat to separate them if it was the last thing she ever did. At some point, DD will see the world with an adult's understanding of the world, and Toxic Mother will be exposed as the monster she really is.

My husband also spent thousands and thousands of dollars, doing everything he could to beg the court system to intervene so he could simply have some kind of relationship with his daughter. I did everything in my power to help them. He entertains the fantasy of what life could have been like had she not been separated from him by PAS. He looks at the few pictures we have of her that hang on the family wall with a wistful sigh, and my heart breaks for him because I understand his loss.

They were both robbed of that time together. That smiling pre-teen girl that was always so happy to see her daddy no longer exists. DD became a stereotypical angry hate-filled teen, with odd stories to tell that don't sit very well with her peers. She has issues with everything from boyfriends to grades to body image. Now her high-school teenage years are long gone, and the hole in her heart where her father's love and support should be is so deep, only years of therapy will fix it. Let's hope her healing journey begins sooner rather than later.

Today, DD remains locked in her mother's world, conditioned to look at her father through her toxic mother's eyes. How could there be anything there but resentment and hate? DD believes the lies her mother tells her about her father and has never reached out to anyone who knows him for the truth. People who do try to tell DD the truth, like her paternal grandmother, are immediately ostracized and shunned along with her father. We now understand that this is what PAS is all about, and try to stay zen about it. Some days are easier than others.

I suppose that knowing the truth would bring her whole world crashing down around her, and maybe she's not ready for that. What if everything you thought you knew for certain about your life turned out to be a lie? I'm willing to wait until she is a little older, a little wiser and perhaps a little better equipped to handle the anguish of that realization. The damage is already done anyway - there's nothing left to do but pick up the broken pieces of her heart when the time comes.

For now, no matter how angry, heated or accusatory the conversation, my husband ends every exchange with his daughter with these words: "I love you, I miss you, and my door is always open to you when you are ready to work things out." I feel the exact same way: I love her, I miss her, and our door is always open to her.

All she has to do is knock.

INTRODUCTION

SMITH: History of Parenting Time 2001 – 2014

Father: John Smith
Mother: Circe Smith
Daughter: DD Smith

In 1995, full custody of Circe Smith's three older children (DD's half-siblings) had been awarded to her first ex-husband, Jeff K. The three older children lived full-time in their own house on Wakeman Road and that is where parenting time with them took place. This house was provided and maintained by Jeff K. Circe and Jeff K were both remarried. They lived in their own houses with their respective spouses when they did not have parenting time at the children's house on Wakeman Road.

John and Circe Smith were married in 1997 and divorced in 2001. Circe Smith was awarded full custody of their five-year-old daughter, DD. DD would continue to live with Circe, and parenting time for John was to take place every-other weekend at his own home, according to the basic Rule 31 Visitation Schedule for the State.

Circe had parenting time with her older children on a bi-weekly schedule. When it was her turn to be with the children, Circe brought DD with her to the children's house on Wakeman Rd. so all four kids could be together. However, after Circe's divorce from John Smith became final in 2001, she made arrangements with Jeff K to leave five-year-old DD in the Wakeman Road house with DD's three half-siblings full-time. DD had her own bedroom in the children's house and considered Jeff K. an uncle-figure. During the two weeks of the month that Jeff K. lived with the children, Circe lived separately in her new boyfriend's house ouside of the school district. During this time, five-year-old DD lived under "Uncle Jeff's" care as if she were one of his own children.

Because he was not the custodial parent, John Smith had no input regarding this living arrangement Circe had made for his daughter. Circe’s frequent relationship changes often meant that she would live outside her daughter’s school district, and this is the excuse she used for DD's living arrangements. She also used the Wakeman Road address as DD's primary address so that DD could attend elementary school in the same district as her half-siblings without interruption.

John Smith had been awarded parenting time with DD on an every-other weekend schedule, starting Friday evening at 7pm and ending Sunday at 7pm. John maintained two jobs, one full-time and one part-time. John's work schedule frequently required him to work Friday and Saturday evenings, and at one point included an early morning Sunday morning shift. Circe objected to John's arrangements for an outside child-care provider for DD while he worked and insisted that DD stay in the Wakeman Road house with her half-siblings on the weekends that John was scheduled to work, even if Circe wasn't personally there. John verbally agreed to modify their arrangement to accommodate Circe’s demands.

To be close to DD, John Smith deliberately maintained his residence so that he was always within a fifteen-minute drive of the children's Wakeman Road house. Starting in 2002, John and Circe agreed that he would have liberal allowance to see DD for any of her elementary school events and could take her for short, non-overnight visits as long as it was convenient for Circe. Since Circe refused to let John have parenting time most weekends, they also agreed that every Monday evening and alternating Thursday evenings would be set aside for John to have his daughter for parenting time overnight during the school year. John exercised his parenting time with DD on Friday and/or Saturday nights when he was not scheduled to work and when Circe permitted it. He also took DD with him on yearly family vacations during the summer months and attended as many of DD’s extra-curricular activities as possible.

Because DD and John lived in the same school district, she often came over to his home after school for short visits. Their relationship was close during DD's elementary and pre-teen years. John maintained a separate bedroom at his house for DD's exclusive use, and purchased a cell phone for DD and paid the monthly fee so that they could stay in daily contact with one another. As she got older, they also communicated via text message and e-mail. John also maintained a close relationship with DD’s half-siblings throughout their school years after his divorce from their mother and spoke with them frequently.

Starting in 2005, John agreed to transport all four children from their Wakeman Road house to school once per week. This continued for two years. All three parents worked together to provide child care and transportation for the four children when needed.

Because she usually lived outside of DD's school district when she didn't have parenting time at the children's house, Circe would often call John and demand he immediately drop what he was doing and transport DD from the Wakeman Road house to her friends' houses and extra-curricular events and bring DD back to that house again when finished. This would occur several times per week with no advance notice. To keep the peace John went out of his way to comply whenever he possibly could. If he was not available at that exact moment, however, this would usually cause Circe to become angry. Not only would she punish John by refusing to allow DD to visit him for parenting time, she would also tell their daughter that the reason John would not help was because he did not care about her.

In the summer of 2008, DD had finished seventh grade and her relationship with her father began to change. At DD's request, the weekend overnight visits with John became less frequent. She became heavily involved in extra-curricular activities such as sports and music, and began to spend more time with her friends. Circe described this to John as "normal, pre-teen behavior" and encouraged him to "be a good father" and allow DD to make her own decisions about his parenting time with her. During the school year, however, they established a routine of DD staying at John's house every Tuesday overnight to accommodate Circe’s evening work schedule.

In August 2009, John's full-time employer closed their Downtown office and required their staff to work remotely from home. This enabled John to do more of the driving for DD, so he was able to see her frequently.

In January, 2010 John went back to school part-time to finish his teaching degree. He continued to work full-time during the day from his residence and a second job part-time on the weekends. His classes were scheduled on Tuesday and Thursday nights, so John requested that DD be allowed to have overnight visits on Wednesday evenings instead of Tuesdays. Circe refused this request on the grounds that Wednesdays were designated "family night" for Circe, DD and her half-brother who was a senior at high school, and claimed that to allow John to have Wednesdays would be an inconvenience. Because John’s classes meant he could not be home until after 10pm on Tuesday evening, and DD had to leave for school at 6:30am Wednesday morning, Circe decided that the Tuesday overnight visits would stop completely.

From that point forward, John did not have any regular overnight visits with DD. His requests for weekend visits were usually denied by Circe on the grounds that she had "family plans" that involved DD, or that DD was too busy with her friends, or that DD had become old enough (age 13) to decide for herself if she had any interest in seeing John for parenting time. Circe deliberately scheduled events over holidays and other days of special meaning that would have been designated as John’s parenting time, such as Father’s Day. Over the following months, John continued to provide transportation for DD whenever possible and did see her several times per week for this purpose. DD would occasionally visit for a few hours after school, but any attempt by John to re-establish regular, structured parenting time was blocked by Circe and she no longer agreed to cooperate with him.

Circe remarried in early 2009 to third husband, Bob C. In August 2010, Circe and Jeff K's youngest child turned 18 years old and Jeff K suddenly put the children's house at Wakeman Road up for sale. Jeff K then informed Circe that DD was no longer welcome to live at the Wakeman Road house. For the first time in nine years, DD moved into Circe's house permanently. (DD's half-siblings are at college. When they are home, they live with their father.)

John Smith and Diana W. began dating in August 2009. In October 2010 they began to make plans for John to move into the condominium Diana owned. Diana has two sons, one (Sam) who is in his early twenties and who lives on his own, and another (Scott) who is the same age and grade as DD and who lives with Diana full-time. John moved into Diana’s condominium permanently in December 2010. DD and Scott have their own separate bedrooms in the condominium.

Although she had been the one to break up her marriage to John by moving in with another man (and had since remarried someone else), Circe did not approve of John’s relationship with Diana. Any time she knew that DD was with John and Diana and/or Diana’s family, she would shower John and their daughter DD with over-emotional text messages and desperate calls to their cell phones with the intention to cause stress during the visit. She would also berate John with verbal abuse before, during and after DD's visits.

Circe became particularly outraged at John's decision to move into Diana’s house. She accused John of “abandoning his entire family” and “walking away and turning his back on his daughter” because Diana’s house was a 40-minute drive away from where Circe lived. By denying John his right to parenting time with DD, then turning around and telling DD that John had chosen not to see her, eventually Circe was able to convince DD that John had “abandoned” both of them to start a new family with Diana. Circe then took steps to ensure that there were less ways that John and DD could communicate privately and systematically began to cut John off from contact with DD. First, Circe demanded that Diana be blocked from DD's phone so that DD and Diana could not connect with each other via phone or text messaging. Circe then ordered John and Diana to stop taking photos of DD during extra-curricular and other activities, and to stop writing about DD on social media (facebook) on the grounds that it was an invasion of DD's privacy (it is worth noting that Circe remains active and connected to DD in this manner to this day). She then took the further step of blocking both John and Diana from DD via social media (facebook) and e-mail. This had two consequences: it prevented one-on-one conversations between DD, John and/or Diana that were out of Circe's direct control; and also cut John off from keeping abreast of things going on in his daughters world - her activities, casual photos and random messages - something he and his daughter had once actively enjoyed as a way to stay in touch with each other. By doing this, Circe also prevented DD from seeing her father's activities, casual photos and random messages on facebook and so DD lost that connection into her father's world as well.

Circe's biggest grievance and where she demonstrated the most anger was that by moving across town, John put an undue burden on Circe: John was willing to do all of DD's transportation during his parenting time, including reherasals and extra-curriculars, but he was no longer available to do the routine driving for DD during the week. Although he had children of his own, Circe's husband Bob C. did not care to help her with DD and objected to helping her drive her daughter to her friends' homes and school-related events. By moving away, John put more responsibility for DD’s casual transportation on Circe’s shoulders. It was an inconvenient and burdensome task that she had always hated. In retaliation, Circe declared that John would never be permitted to have DD for overnight visits at his new home with Diana and decided that John was no longer entitled to regular parenting time. Again, visitation was stopped completely.

To try to resolve the problem, in January 2011 John made a formal request via e-mail to Circe that they go back to their divorce agreement from 2001 and follow the visitation outline in the Shared Parenting Plan, specifically Rule 31. Circe rejected John’s request outright. However, DD had an early Saturday rehearsal each week with a symphonic band outside of her regular school band. Circe proposed that John pick DD up from her home across town and take her to this rehearsal every other weekend, and John quickly agreed. John’s cooperation resulted in six one-night overnight visits with DD between January, 2011 and June, 2011. Once the performance season was completed and John's driving services were no longer needed, visitation stopped again. John’s repeated requests to Circe for parenting time at his home that summer were flatly denied. DD also refused each of John’s requests, with Circe’s full support.

Even though he knew he would be rejected, John continued to plan for and request parenting time on the every-other-weekend schedule they had been following for the rehearsals.

John spent months trying to work out a compromise with Circe, but each time she flatly refused to follow their Shared Parenting plan or allow visits. In August, 2011 John filed a Motion to Show Cause regarding denial of visitation. Once at court, Circe falsely claimed that she always made sure DD was ready for visitation, but John refused to pick DD up for parenting time – something that John could not prove or disprove. Circe further went on to falsely accuse Diana of being verbally abusive and aggressive toward DD any time they were together. At the pre-trial hearing, Circe and John were advised by the court to work out their differences and come to an agreement. Again, John's request that they follow Rule 31 - the minimum amount of parenting time as set by the State - was denied. Circe agreed that DD could visit with John overnight, but only as long as it was not at his actual home. John and Circe agreed that he could have parenting time with DD at his mother's house midway between their two homes. Circe also demanded that Diana not be present during these visits. John's attorney advised him to accept the compromise so he could at least get to spend some time with DD, and he agreed.

There were two successful visits at John’s mother’s house: November 25-27 and December 9-12, 2011. After the weekend of December 9th, DD declared that she did not like visiting with her father at her grandmother's house because she could not access the Internet while she was there. From that point forward, Circe refused to allow to John take DD to that location for parenting time and, against her own attorney's wishes, decided that John would not be allowed to see his daughter until another location was chosen that Circe approved of.

All communication and visits stopped. No one knew how to proceed. Circe purchased a new cell phone for DD and blocked John’s number completely so he could not communicate with DD directly.

Six weeks later, Circe and John’s attorneys suggested that they try again. John and Circe agreed that DD would begin regular weekend overnight visits starting January 27 - 29, 2012 at John’s actual home. After one successful visit, however, Circe changed her mind and, once again, refused to cooperate. Despite repeated attempts and requests, and despite arrangements agreed upon by both attorneys, John has not had parenting time since that date. Every time John has gone to Circe’s house to pick up DD, she was either not there, hidden by Circe's friends or flatly refused to get in the car with her father (with Circe’s full support).

During the pre-trial in November 2011, Circe had told the Court that she was confused about the Motion to Show Cause. She claimed that DD had been “ready for parenting time” with John at every scheduled weekend, but John did not appear in the driveway to get her. Because of this, after that court session John had made sure to physically appear at Circe’s house for parenting time exactly as scheduled in their agreement. When DD did not go with him, John immediately drove to the police station and filed a police report to record that he was in compliance with the Parenting Agreement.

Overall, in the time period between December 2010 and June 2011, there were seven total overnight visits. Since June 2011, there have been only three overnight visits, all three of which had taken place between the pre-trial of November 14, 2011, and February 2012, which is the last time Diana had any chance to see her stepdaughter. There have been no overnight visits since February 2012 and no visits of any kind since February 2013.

In early 2013, John and Circe met in court again. When questioned, Circe falsely claimed that she tried very hard to enforce parenting time, but DD was now unruly and refused to cooperate. The judge knew that the delays and continuances had been Circe's way to stall the case; however, even though DD was 14 when John first filed, the judge declared that John had waited too long to bring the case to court. The judge then ruled that since DD was now one month away from being 17 years old, she could make her own decisions regarding parenting time. The court ordered that John and Circe use the website Our Family Wizard to communicate regarding DD, and that John and DD begin family counseling. The case was closed.

Since that time and against the court order, Circe has refused to allow DD to attend any of the counseling sessions that were arranged by John. Because the judge refused to consider any of the evidence John presented regarding PAS, continuing to fight this case proved futile, and DD reached the age of majority before it could be finished.

Circe divorced her third husband in 2013 and she and DD are currently living with Circe’s new boyfriend in another town 30 miles away from DD’s school district. DD continued to attend high school using a false address and graduated in 2014.

John and Diana were married in 2013 (DD declined the invitation). Diana’s youngest son also graduated high school in 2014.

The current relationship between John and DD is typical of an extreme case of Parental Alienation Syndrome as defined by forensic psychiatrist Dr. Richard A. Gardner.

Gardner's definition of PAS is this:

1. The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes.

2. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification.

3. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) of a parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the targeted parent.

Gardner notes that PAS is more than brainwashing or programming, because the child has to actively participate in the denigrating of the alienated parent. This is done in primarily the following ways:

1. The child denigrates the alienated parent with foul language and severe oppositional behavior.

2. The child offers weak, absurd, or frivolous reasons for his or her anger.

3. The child is sure of himself or herself and doesn't demonstrate ambivalence, i.e. love and hate for the alienated parent, only hate.

4. The child exhorts that he or she alone came up with ideas of denigration. The "independent-thinker" phenomenon is where the child asserts that no one told him to do this.

5. The child supports and feels a need to protect the alienating parent.

6. The child does not demonstrate guilt over cruelty towards the alienated parent.

7. The child uses borrowed scenarios, or vividly describes situations that he or she could not have experienced.

8. Animosity is spread to the friends and/or extended family of the alienated parent.

In severe cases of parent alienation, the child is utterly brain- washed against the alienated parent. At this point, the alienator can truthfully say that the child doesn't want to spend any time with this parent, even though she has told the child that he has to, it is a court order, etc. The alienator typically responds, "There isn't anything that I can do about it. I'm not telling him that he can't see you."

(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)